Are you Experiencing Imposter Syndrome at Home?
Imposter syndrome. It’s something that we have all heard before when it comes to work, especially when we receive a promotion, a raise, or step into a challenge. It’s that feeling of self doubt and personal identification of being a phony – despite what the evidence says that you poses. It brings a sense of inadequacy, being unfit for the job, and having a lost sense of self. Looking into the experience that imposter syndrome brings I couldn’t help but think that maybe this goes beyond the workspace and into our homes.
As a mom I have had countless experiences of feeling out of place and unfit, not knowing who I was, and feeling inadequate. But was I the only one? I wanted to see this for myself. So I created a survey for mothers that asked questions about their journey in motherhood and ask them to get raw and real. I sent the survey out to dozens of women and asked if they had ever felt inadequate as a mom, unfit for the role, or had lost a sense of who they were at some point in their parenting experience. And 100% of them said yes to all of those questions. 100%! Some even expressed that they felt embarrassed to admit it, because it made them feel like a failure. Others stated that they were still experiencing it and was not sure how to quite manage the brutal inner critic that had somehow taken over. I did a follow up interview with a few of the moms and asked them more in-depth questions about this experience. I asked one working mom how she has tried to work through these experiences and her reply was that she has noticed her attention getting put into work due to the comfort and confidence it brings. She expressed, “I know I am good there (at work) and I know what to expect out of myself. But I would be lying if I said it was guilt free. I feel like the escape to work is taking away from my child. I want to have the desire to be at both and feel confident in them.” Another mom expressed that she feels the experience is eating away at her confidence and creating more conflict with her and her child. She explained, “It’s like I question everything in my own head. I get overwhelmed and stressed from it to the point that I respond to my daughter in ways I later regret. I know it’s getting in the way of my relationship with her, but I am not sure what to do.”
Seeing how much imposter syndrome effects parents as well, I started to look into the support that was there to help them feel more confident, in control, and adequate for the role. So they can create the home they have always desired while building a strong relationship with their child. To my surprise, I saw nothing. So I started to do more research, talk to more parents, and reflected back on my journey on how I eradicated imposter syndrome as a mom. I started to notice three key elements missing when it came to feeling like an imposter; A clear vision and values, clarity in who the parent is and their role in motherhood, and emotional resilience.
Vision and Values
Most moms are winging it. There is no clarity in where they are at and where they are going.
Life is about waking up, jumping out of bed, and just going for whatever comes their way. It’s survival mode and tends to lead to burnout and frustration. It’s unsustainable. Imagine running a business in that way? It simple would not work. But we do this at our most important place, in our homes. To not wing motherhood, you must have direction. This is where vision and values come in. Your vision is your point reference to where you are headed. Your values are your pathway you walk on that ensure you are on the right path to hit your vision.
Let’s first get your values clear. For the purposes here I want values to be a state of being and a standard of behavior. For an example like compassionate, honesty, authenticity, gratitude, courage, etc. Take time to reflect on what your values are. To start, think of at least 5. You can google search values to see what ones you resonate with. But, I would recommend reflecting to moments when you felt the most fulfilled in your life. See if you were living in one of your values in those moments. These values should be something that you couldn’t imagine yourself living without. Now, after you have your values, take some time away when you have peace and quiet to get clear on your vision and ask yourself what you want it to look like for you and your family. Imagine what the perfect day will be for you and your family 5 years from now. From the time you wake up to the moment you go to bed, take yourself on a journey of the ideal day. Incorporate the following questions if they fit: Where are you? How are you connecting to your family? What are your relationships like with them? How are you being with them? What are you doing? How is work and how does it flow with your family life? How are you managing conflicts and stress? Envision the perfect day 5 years from now and then I want you to do one for where you are at today and what that would look like if you were in alignment with that 5 year vision. Incorporate the values you listed before and even reflect with you’re your significant other so you both can be in alignment with your visions.
Clarity
Having clarity in who you are and your role in motherhood is essential. It helps you understand how to base your decisions that are constantly thrown at you every second of the day. Like, should I interfere here or let my child figure it out? Was I too harsh or to submissive? What do I do if my child does___? What do I need right now? Feeling like an imposter can come when our internal world is cluttered and not clear. You can start to constantly question yourself and lose that trust within you. Not to say we won’t have questions when we become clearer in who we are. Parenting is a journey and we won’t have all the answers. It’s a learning role and one that changes with each child and as they grow. However, when you have clarity in who you are you can ask yourself those questions and trust your capacity and direction. So where to start? Identify who you want to be as a mother. I usually start in reverse and ask first. What result do you want to experience with your child? Like, connection, obedience, authenticity, playfulness? Next, ask yourself how you would like to live that out. Now that you have your values you can always go back to them. Values are your internal compass and they will never steer you in the wrong path. They tell you how to be in any given moment. All you have to do is choose it. I want to add a note here. Values are skills and must be practiced in order for you to be good with them. So if a value seems unreachable or hard to live in, practice them . It does not mean anything of your capacity. It just means you need to give it more attention and time.
Emotional Resilience
Confidence comes when you trust that you can handle what is in front of you. When it comes to most conflicts and disconnection within families it has more to do with ones capacity to manage their own emotions than anything else. We let our emotions get the best of us and they take over the driver seat. As a result impulsive reactions ensue. Making relationships suffer, guilt and regret increase, and families to disconnect. Becoming emotionally resilient means that you know how to guide your behavior, thoughts, and choices to one that will be most effective despite the feelings you have. It is all about how to effectively move through all emotions (even the hard, uncomfortable ones) effectively so you can make the best decisions for you, your family, and the situation in front of you. Stress, taking on too much, conflicts, our child’s intense emotions, and our lack of coping skills gets in the way for many people. And unfortunately, it is common to grow up not knowing the skills and practices to create emotional resilience, so adults find that they need to learn the skill later in life- usually after repeated turbulent times. Parenthood is one of those times when we come to this realization because children are extremely emotional, and it can be very triggering for a lot of parents. Growing the awareness and acceptance surrounding your emotions and the skills to be adaptive with them takes time and may need support from a professional. Don’t hesitate to get the support if needed, the investment in yourself becomes an investment for your whole family, because when you are good everything else tends to fall into place.
If this article resonated with you. I would love to connect to you further to answer any questions you have and to see how these concepts could apply to your life. Connect to me here.
Much love and many blessings.
Love,
Lauren
